God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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