im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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