Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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