If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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