and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I am mentally ready for anal.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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