bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
