if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
