M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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