Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
