I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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