I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
