Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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