How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
