I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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