Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
