just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
