Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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