My Higher Power is John Stamos
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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