i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
