I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
