update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
