I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
