I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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