textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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