Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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