did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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