I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
