The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
