i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
