i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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