Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
