I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
