i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
