He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
