You can't special order awesome
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
