WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
