Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
