Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
