She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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