I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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