I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
