If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
