meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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