The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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