dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
