It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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