How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
