Moan for me like Helen Keller
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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