my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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