So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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