Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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