There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
