what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
