I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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