non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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