thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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