I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
