I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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