1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
