I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
