How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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