Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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