I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize