you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
