My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
