True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
