Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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