we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
COCAINE IS GR8
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
