Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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