I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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