Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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