Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
